You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
