so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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