As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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