i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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