Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
