My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
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The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
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We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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