Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
