U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
