he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
