You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
