that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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