I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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