We're like a lot better than the average bears
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
