I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
