Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
