i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
