If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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