It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
