remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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