So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
