You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
