As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
