I think scott just propositioned me for sex
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So here I am, sexting at work.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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