If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
