Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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