Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
