he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
jump out the window naked night went bad
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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