If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
