Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
