Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
