Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
