I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
