Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I can't put those talents on a resume
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
