end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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