i need an iv and a liver transplant
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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