we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
