I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
