we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
