Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
