I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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