Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
