I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just pee around me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
