the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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