he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
