I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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