there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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