Little spoons don't ask big questions
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
