and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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