Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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