Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
