like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
