if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
