jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
