Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
