I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
