wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
