No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
