Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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