hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
