I think I won the penis lottery.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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