Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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