just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
my poor anus
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
