Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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