2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
